All I can say is that I am not making this stuff up. I couldn't make it up if I tried. Because, believe me, I had my theories about where the fuck the painter was this morning, when he neither showed up at the house, nor was reachable by phone. The prevailing theory was that he was hung over in bed, seeing as how I have decided he is an alcoholic. Which is not too far removed from the truth, as it turns out.
See, what I haven't really explained up until now is that our painter has sort of been fucking up from the very start. He cancelled two meetings with us prior to us ever having even met him. We figured he was in high demand. After all, he came very highly recommended by a couple of good friends whom we love, but whom we will never listen to again.
Eventually, we met, signed a contract, and gave him a deposit, which he claimed he would not cash for a few days. In reality, he cashed it mere minutes after leaving our house. If he could have gone back in time and cashed it the previous week, that is what he would have done -- that is how fast he cashed that fucking check.
He showed up one day not seeming to understand how to make a pressure washer work. On other days he has had a wide variety of amusing excuses for why he can't be at our house, painting it, such as yesterday's excuse of the last-minute DUI class that he'd forgotten about.
So this morning, he was supposed to be at our house, prepping it for painting. When he (*gasp*) didn't show, Hubs tried to reach him approximately 93 billion times, to no avail. Around 10:45 a.m., the painter's phone called Hubs. As in, the painter was not actually calling, but maybe the painter's butt was calling because a button had been accidentally pressed on the painter's phone and when Hubs answered, all he could hear was our fucktard painter bitching and moaning to someone about how he had to drive all the way down somewhere for something. Without knowing precisely what the painter was talking about, I can only guess that he was talking about our house.
So then, around 12:15 p.m., Hubs finally reached the painter by phone, and the guy explains that he was jailed last night and was just released this morning. He said something about how you're not supposed to drink after you've been arrested for a DUI, and something about the DUI class he was supposed to attend yesterday (maybe he showed up drunk for the class?) but, as Hubs says, it's not clear what exactly transpired that resulted in our painter being thrown in jail. Again.