Friday, September 11, 2009

JOIN NOW WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

Something that's been scratching at the back of my mind and which makes my eye twitch every time I try to do something simple, like GO GROCERY SHOPPING, is the fact that every-fucking-where I go, I have to give someone my personal information so that they will give me a piece of plastic to carry around and I can supposedly save money when I shop.

You know what's even better than that? When I give them my personal information AND pay them money for the PRIVILEGE of saving money, a la Costco and Barnes & Noble. For the record, I do not have "memberships" at these two stores. I can't stomach even being within 50 yards of Costco due to the massive crowd confusion that happens there all day long, every day, and although I've considered joining Barnes & Noble's club or whatever it is, I am planning on getting a Kindle, which will hopefully mean that my book-buying days are numbered and I am that much closer to becoming the hermit I've always wanted to be.

But seriously. I have a Starbucks card with money on it because I can only save 40 cents per latte if I use the registered card. I have a Safeway card that I am purportedly saving money with when I buy five pounds of butter for the simple fact that it's $5 for 5 lbs, even though I need only 1. I have a New York & Co Rewards Club card for the next time I am in need of something that doesn't fit me well and which will fall apart within three washes. I have a Loehmann's insider club card that I never use. I have an Albertson's Preferred Savings card. I have a Willow Glen Frozen Yogurt card that requires me to purchase 12 yogurts in order to obtain one free mini-sized yogurt. I have a Tandoori oven frequent diner card that grants me a free entree once I have purchased six. I have a Mojo Burger reward card that gives me a free Mojo Meal once I've bought nine. I have a Petco PALS card that, I guess, saves me money. I have a Petsmart PetPerks card that, I guess, does the same thing. I have a Subway card that I have no idea what it does. I have a Sephora beauty insider card, which I think gives me points toward free mini-sized makeups that I never use, anyway. I have a savings card from Ann Taylor Loft that I was only given after spending $80 and which allows me to save $25 on a $50 purchase between Sept. 8 & Oct. 3. I have a frequent diner card for Fukuya, a Japanese restaurant in Redwood City that I never go to. I have a Baja Fresh frequent diner card that expired in 2006. I have a Chevy's fiesta lunch card that gives me my fifth lunch free. Too bad I hate Chevy's. I have a Maidenform Outlet Store club card that grants me 15% off after I spend $100. I have a Famous Footwear rewards card. Is that place even in business anymore?

Here is my point: THIS IS INSANE! How many cards can I, as one human being, possibly carry around? I am looking to simplify my life, and these cards are making me feel crazy! Everywhere I go, I have to think, Now, do I have a card for this place? Is this even a place that has those kinds of cards? Where the fuck is that card, anyway?

Here's an idea for all retailers, everywhere: NO MORE CARDS, motherfuckers! How about you just give me a good deal RIGHT NOW instead of making me insane with all of this racking up of points and fictional saving of dollars on shit I don't need, like phyllo dough?! I promise you I will continue to frequent your store in spite of the lack of a card that promises to save me money, for the simple fact that, as a living, breathing human, I consume food, clothing and other products EVERY DAY and would not be in your store in the first place if I believed your product to be inferior.

Can I get an "Amen"?

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