That subject line is said with my best Cliff Huxtable impression. Which isn't very good, considering I'm a 30-year-old white chick. And Cliff probably would not utter the word "vagina," in spite of being an obstetrician.
But lots of us bloggers like saying "vagina." I've noticed that, lately. I thought at first that it was just me, over here talking about that time of the month and my slowly rotting uterus, but actually it's lots of people, chattin' up the va-jay-jay.
Anyway, all of this vagina preamble is to let you know that I finished "Your Best Birth," the book by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein that's way uber-hippie-anti-drug-pro-vagina-get-a-midwife-and-you'll-be-fine. Mainly I was curious as to whether these ladies could convince me, who is not currently pregnant (*slings a shot of whiskey*), to one day birth my child au naturale, sans drugs.
The short answer is no.
The long answer is maayyyyyybe. See, I agree with them that us womenfolk have been pushing babies out of our vaginas for a long long long long time, and that our bodies are basically made to do this. There's no sense in rushing the birthing process -- I agree! No inductions for me, thanks, and no laboring on my back, thanks -- I'll be wandering the halls, cursing all within earshot. No godforsaken episiotomies, thanks -- for chrissakes keep that knife away from my vagina, evildoers! No optional C-sections, thanks, and really, no C-sections whatsoever unless someone, meaning myself or the baby, is in mortal danger. And it better be fucking Danger with a capital D, none of this, Oh, your water broke however many hours ago and therefore we must cut your belly open because we stuck our dirty fingers in your vagina, like, 50 times and now you're at risk of infection. None of that, thanks. And for that matter, keep your fingers to yourself and bring me a cheeseburger.
Essentially, I agree with a lot of Ricki and Abby's hippie ideals, and my only thought is that I am not sure I will be able to do it without an epidural. Hooray for me if I can, but seriously, ya'll? That is pain. I don't even know what that kind of pain will do to me, but I can only imagine I'll be crying uncle before it's all over and some needle-happy anesthesiologist will be priming my spine for the awesome numbing power of the epidural.
Anyway, I'm glad I read the book, because if nothing else, it makes you aware that you need to plan for these things. You cannot simply become pregnant and believe that everything will be honky dory, come time to push that sucker out. You've got to prepare, make lists, and ensure everyone who you're going to allow into the room while you're giving birth is aware of how you want things to go down, so they can back you up when the doctor lunges at your hoo-ha with a scalpel.
So, that is all for today. Welcome back from the long weekend!