Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I know, right?

So there are many reasons why I didn't blog a lick last week. As one unit each, the reasons did not equal enough to prevent me from blogging. Together, it was like a huge clusterfuck in my head and I couldn't make it happen. I know. I am swearing terribly. Anyway, here is what happened.

1. I DID blog, mofos! I blogged on Monday. I blogged about how we are having a pest control issue at home and how Hubs was more concerned about our wasps and carpenter ants than I was. It was darn funny. And then Hubs left a comment on it that made it clear to me that he was not amused about being the butt of my joke. Which annoyed me. How dare he not want me to publicly lambast him on my blog every week?! I decided I needed to take the blog down because if I couldn't slander my husband, then I really had nothing to talk about. I deleted the post. I almost deleted my blog. I decided I suck.

2. I entered the Red Tent, and it was All Bad. I haven't had a period this bad in years. I felt like shit every day last week.

3. I was planning my mom's surprise birthday party, which was held on Wednesday, and for some reason this made me want to vomit. My dad decided two weeks before her birthday that it was time to have a surprise birthday party for her since the last one we had was 15 years ago. So because I am the way I am and because my dad was going to be the person to take her to dinner before the party, it fell on me to organize it. It reminded me of the couple of days leading up to my wedding, when I could barely eat, I felt so nauseated from nerves. And believe me, I am not one of these people who stops eating due to their emotions. Typically, I eat in response to every emotion there is: Anger, sadness, happiness, boredom, you name it. Anyway I have no idea why I was spazzing so hard on this party, but whatever it was, it was freaking me out and I could barely focus.

4. Red Tent and party planning made me effing tired. By Thursday I was SO DONE. And work has been a major bitch lately, so no rest for me during the day.

That is all. I have no other excuses other than feeling abnormally tired and irritable. Many things are irritating me, especially myself and my own lack of motivation to do anything.

So in other news, my friend Diane is in labor and may give birth to her baby girl today. She's one of these folks who doesn't tell anyone what the baby's name is going to be until it is born and lying in her arms. That way, no one can help but say, "Ophelia? That is the perfect name for this little gem." How can you help it? It could be the most jacked up name you've ever heard, but if you walk into the room and you're introduced to a person named Craplicker, it's just too late for you to argue about Craplicker's name. You've already met Craplicker and seen his face and your mind has already told you: "When you see that face, know that you are looking at Craplicker." You cannot suggest Craplicker's mother rename him something more appropriate. Not that Diane would ever name her child something as offensive as Craplicker, but she does have some mighty opinionated relatives and, besides, I think she likes keeping us all in suspense. More to follow on that later!

Speaking of children, my husband is telling everyone we know that we are going to start trying to have a baby in December. This is something we discussed a while ago while I held him at knife point in our family room and explained to him that I didn't like this any more than he did but that I have a certain number of years as a fertile woman and that I'd prefer to try for kids before age 35, which doctors seem to think is some evil turning point that causes baby fetuses to turn into gremlins. After I threatened him with his life, we agreed we would finish out this year and at that point discuss if we are physically and emotionally ready for me to stop taking the pill. We agreed we would not discuss this with anyone. And then Hubs told everyone we know. So now I am telling the Internet. Some day I will try to have a child. I know this is shocking. Please try not to fall out of your chair. The simple fact is, if I do not procreate, my mother is going to go ballistic and adopt a pregnant teenager just so that she can be a grandmother. Just kidding. I am not going to have a kid just for her, although she puts the pressure on like Mike Tyson.

So happy Faux Monday. Happy Tuesday-After-Memorial-Day. Happy Short Week. Let's try to keep it together.

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