Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Swiiiiiine gaaahhhh!!!!!!!!

You are reading a blog written by a person who is convinced that she is pregnant whenever her period is more than 40 seconds late and that each tiny pain in her body is cancer, slowly growing from different points in the body until eventually all of the cancers will merge into one giant cancer and a doctor will be forced to slowly shake his head and tell her that if she'd just come in, like, 14 years earlier, she could have been saved, but that unfortunately she has approximately 30 days to live and will now have to decide how to spend the short remainder of her days.

So if you think that the Swine Flu Pandemic has me a little worried, you would be right. Logical Me knows that the swine flu is much ado about nothing and that, after all, even if I did somehow contract it, it wouldn't be much different from the regular flu, which I seem to come down with every year anyway, so what is the big deal?!

Enter Illogical Me. What is the big deal?! I'll tell you what the big deal is!! The high school next to my house just shut down for a week due to swine flu and I've had a headache for 3 days! Spring break is still in full swing and loads of infected co-eds fresh off the plane from Cancun are probably walking around licking doorknobs and farting on movie theater seats. My admin just picked her daughter up from school because she didn't feel well -- am I the only one who realizes she and all of her classmates are probably crawling with swine flu?! I just spent three days in Napa, eating things touched and made by other people. And to top it off, this morning I spent half an hour in a facility where people are attempting to create a swine flu vaccine (don't ask). I am convinced swine flu virus particles were floating around in the air and landing on my eyeballs. I'll be bedridden shortly.

So, dear reader, I pray that you and I survive this pandemic together. If I should perish, I beg you to go on without me. Keep tonking that cowbell, keep blogging about the unnecessary. Keep raging about the immaterial, keep spitting out the distasteful. And most importantly, keep your face mask on.