Monday, September 29, 2008

Nightmares

Last night I dreamed that I chopped off a certain woman's hand.

Doctors were apparently able to sew it back on and she didn't seem too peeved about it, but I felt terrible for losing control.

There are a few contributing factors to this situation.

1) This person drives me nuts.
2) I watched "Kill Bill Vol 2" yesterday
3) There's a kid in Los Gatos who had her hand sliced off and reattached recently.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Cleaning house

Determined not to repeat past sins (moving from one location to another completely unprepared), I've started cleaning out my closet.

My God, I think, as I hold up a pair of pants that hasn't fit in about four years. Did these ever fit me? These look like a child's pair of pants. I continue weeding through the closet. More absurdly small pairs of pants. Two Pepto Bismol pink jackets, one made of stretch corduroy and the other a puffy ski-jacket type thing. A long jean skirt. A long pinstripe skirt. Good Lord, have I never had style?

Clothing that is stained, ripped, stretched to unwearable lengths, faded and altogether the completely wrong size -- I've kept it all for years and years, and now it's time for this pile of crap's swan song.

Adieu, netted tops that were fashionable for about 5 minutes in the '80s. So long, awful synthetic poncho my mother purchased for me for Christmas one year (but which I loved). Fare thee well, short checkered skirt that I should never have worn, no matter how thin I was. Good riddance, unfortunate-looking brown purse that I carried around with me for much too long.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Dolores keeps on kickin

Today I got a comment on one of my Dolores Aguilar posts. I've been amazed every day by how many people find my blog by searching for information about Dolores' obituary. Probably about 20 people have searched for it just today and it's only noon. So I decided to write a postscript on my last post, and consider my blogging done for the day.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Begin the sleepless nights


Yesterday, after much back and forth and wringing of hands and anxious scrunching of mouths, our Realtor called to inform us that, against all odds, the sellers of the only house we have offered on (albeit four or five different offers) had accepted our offer and that we will, insanely, be homeowners by mid-October.

The story goes that another couple had offered on the house, but that one of the sellers met the other couple and didn't like them, so decided to sell to us instead, despite our offer being some $5,000 lower.

It's crazy to want something so much, but to immediately regret offering on the house when told it will be ours. It's such a huge step, we dread the unknown and the known -- mortgage payments, endless repairs and upgrades.

Nonetheless, there are so many more pluses than negatives.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Jabberwocky

When Joe comes to see us, we have to brace ourselves for all of the talking. He represents the company that is putting together our trust for us.

He talks. So. Much.

He talks in this emphatic way that I find hypnotizing. He'll be repeating himself for the 15th time and karate-chopping my kitchen table for emphasis, and I can just feel my brain filling with sleep juice and my eyes will slowly blink and it will take every effort I have to nod and say, "mmhmm" occassionally. Usually he is blathering about how we should invest our money or how his kids are more successful than any kids anyone else has ever had. Ever.

Today, though, Joe amused me when he started talking about how his computer was "eating" his words. BK and I immediately realized he is having an "insert" key problem (wherein one accidentally presses the Insert button and suddenly words disappear as you attempt to continue typing). He is also having a problem with the Paper Clip helper guy in Microsoft Word, who is simply trying to be helpful when he realizes Joe is writing another form letter. Joe, however, doesn't appreciate the help, which he declares for the 17th time whilst forcefully ramming the tip of his index finger into the table.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

All I wanna do ... is stick my neti pot up my nose

I have purchased a neti pot. Please observe the hilarious demo below. I found it last night at Whole Foods, and I must say, it did flush out my sinuses. Initially you feel like you might be drowning yourself with a teapot, but once you've tried it, you'll be hooked.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Doctor, doctor ...

So yesterday, when my monthly bill arrived, I found out that I am, for certain, not pregnant. Believe it or not, there was a question, although I do actively prevent conception. But the reason there was a question is because I have been nauseous (excuse me. NAUSEATED.) and dizzy for two weeks. Mix those with PMS symptoms and you often equal pregnancy. I, however, got the flu in the middle of my dizzy/nausea thing. Now the flu is over and the dizziness and nausea are still here. There is obviously another problem -- probably a brain tumor.

So I decided I need to go see my doctor, who scares me, but whom I regard as something of a miracle worker, considering last year's revelation of my B12 deficiency.

So I came in to work today. I picked up the phone and called the doctor's office. There was a message that said they will be open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. I hung up.

I picked the phone up again, deciding to leave a message. I listened to the outgoing message. I hung up before leaving my own message.

I picked up the phone again. I hung up.

Picked it up. Hung it up.

Forty-five minutes later. Picked it up, spoke to the receptionist, secured an appointment for tomorrow at 2:30.

Dread, dread, dread.

I am supposed to have been a faithful Weight Watchers member for the last 5 months. The only thing I have been faithfully doing is eating ice cream, and have, in fact, gained back the 10 lbs I lost in the first place.

I am supposed to have been monitoring my blood pressure. This has not been done in months.

Oh, dread.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Come on little Gamma Ray....

Last night we ate dinner at Chili's, and as we were leaving, "Mr. Jones & Me" was being musacked out at typical Chili's-blast-volume and BK, in classic BK fashion, cursed, and then said he'd been woken up by "Mr. Jones & Me" that morning and who the hell likes that song anyway? It's a quandry. There are a number of songs I know were new like 15 years ago, but are not new now, and which nobody I know has ever said they enjoy listening to, yet they are repeatedly played at top volume in restaurants and various retail establishments. And station 105.3 on the radio.
Examples of artists who are horribly overplayed:
-Natalie Imbruglia
-Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Nirvana

There are more. Feel free to suggest some overplayed artists in the comments section.

On the other hand, on the way into work both today and yesterday, I heard Beck's relatively new "Gamma Ray." Which I like. But I fear it will be overplayed. Which is better than hearing "Mr. Jones & Me" even one more time, but still.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

You are welcome

I don't know if it's because I am drinking the first caffeine I've had in about a year or if it's really this funny, but I laughed so hard, I cried when I watched this. Make sure your volume is turned up, it's nothing without the volume.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Uncle!

All right, I give! I take it back -- the baby was not ugly, it was cute. It was terribly cute and adorable in every way babies can possibly be. Please, Ugly Baby Karma, take pity.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Conflicting messages

One of the strangest things about my parents wanting grandchildren so badly is that for so many years they preached abstinence.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

A Sunday survey ...

1. My uncle once: was married to my aunt.

2. Never in my life: have I enjoyed roller coasters.

3. When I was five: I slipped whilst running sock-footed and broke my head on the corner of a wall.

4. High school was: rather detestable.

5. I will never forget: what gnawing loneliness feels like.

6. Once I met: Atreyu from "The Never Ending Story." He was disappointingly shorter than I expected.

7. There’s this boy I know: who likes to call his wife bootyface.

8. Once, at a bar: I drank and drank and flung my shoes high, high, high.

9. By noon, I’m usually: wanting to murder someone, if I'm in the office.

10. Last night: I squirmed uncomfortably on the couch due to continuing nausea.

11. If only I had: more gumption.

12. Next time I go to church: will be a long time from now.

13. What worries me most: is completely irrational.

14. When I turn my head left I see: darkness

15. When I turn my head right I see: darkness

16. You know I’m lying when: I seem to be trying to control my breathing.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: leggings. And being a carefree kid.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Titania

19. By this time next year: it will be early September.

20. A better name for me would be: mud

21. I have a hard time understanding: certain people

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: hang myself. Because that is not gonna happen.

23. You know I like you if: I insult you.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: my patient hubs.

25. Take my advice, never: be that person who does everything, anything, that other people want. It's exhausting.

26. My ideal breakfast is: anything at Bill's. Mmmm. Bill's....

27. A song I love but do not have is: Big Pimpin'.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: bring your noseplugs

29. Why won’t people: be reasonable?

30. If you spend a night at my house: that's your problem.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: a really good reason.

32. The world could do without: socialites.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: do another budget at work.

34. My favorite blondes are: my sister as a wee one, hubs as a wee one, and Lynners.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: me.

36. If I do anything well it’s: loafing.

37. I can’t help but: loaf.

38. I usually cry: at the drop of a hat.

39. My advice to my nephew/niece: don't become journalists.

40. And by the way: I'm outta here. Leaving. Au revoir. Adios. See ya.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Cleaning house

We had grand plans of clearing out both bedrooms in BK's grandma's house today (and thought the bathroom might be doable, too), but all that several hours of work yielded on a 100-degree day in that dusty home is a horrible, awful mess, in one room. The other rooms are still untouched. To the untrained eye, it looks like we pulled everything out of the drawers and closet and piled them on the floor. Which is basically what we did. But! There is some organization to the piles. There's the Donate pile, the Trash pile, the Keep pile and the I'm-not-sure-what-to-do-with-this pile. What does one do with one's deceased mother's baby shoes? What about old, fancy hats? Silky scarves?

It's a terribly overwhelming task that our realtor downplayed in a huge way. He made it sound simple. Organize piles in the garage, he said. Clear out the house by mid-September to take advantage of a slight bump expected in the market, he said. This will not happen. Physically and emotionally, we're unable to conquer this mountain in two weeks. The market will do what it does, and as I've often said, Jimmy crack corn, and we don't care.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Wedded Bliss

A stealth bomber had just blown up Air Force One, and the president and his son appeared to be goners. It was probably the cliffhanger of the season.

BK: "We have another one."
EK: "I don't think we should watch another one."
BK: "I do."
EK: "Hmph." I rouse myself from my nest on the couch.
BK: "This show is ruining our marriage."

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Curses upon this heatwave

Last night I was trying to wind down with a depressing novel loaned to me by a coworker ("The Year of Fog" -- can I please have no more children-being-kidnapped story lines? Please?!) when Hubs plopped down next to me.

"We watch too much TV," says he.
"Yes," I say.
"It's your fault."
"Oh?"
"Yes. I never used to watch this much TV."
"Oh. Then, I'm sorry."

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Ugly Baby Karma

I have some mystery illness today, perhaps mild food poisoning, maybe a slight flu.

Ugly baby karma worked real fast.

We also still have no word on the house. It's sort of rude of the sellers to sit on our offer for so long, I think. In the meantime, we'll be looking at other homes and may withdraw our offer if we find a different one we want to make an offer on.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

House Update III

The sellers still have not responded to our last offer.

And unfortunately, a house on the same court went on the market last week, and not even a week later, SOLD FOR FULL PRICE. These sellers were asking for $6,000 more on their house, and their house SUCKS. It's so not even as cool as the house we want.

Anyway, the moral of the story is we are screwed. This probably happened due to my ugly baby karma.

Thanks to HMac for this one...

Sexy people -- I can't get enough of it.