Wednesday, December 31, 2008

MOAM's Best and Worst of 2008

Well, I firmly believe that if you don't chronicle the mundane details of your life, you'll forget to chronicle the more important events and you might forget whatcha did for all that time. Thus I publish my second annual Best & Worst list, which contains heartbreak and wonderful moments alike. Peace out, 2008. 2009, we welcome you warily.

MOAM's 10 Best Moments of 2008

10. This particular madwoman decided she will not visit a doctor unless it is absolutely fricking necessary, which frees up some of my time to eat more chocolate chip cookies.

9. I received a badass new camera for Christmas, which I'm sure you'll agree takes awesome photos when you take a look at the photo below of a creepy doll collection from Hubs' grandma's house, discovered over the weekend.

8. We discovered Livermore's wine country with a dying breed of friends (couples without kids).

7. Sadly, a meal is making it onto my list, but that's what happens when your body mass index is too high and you have an unhealthy hankering for sauerkraut. I think wistfully of the giant porkchop and, yes, sauerkraut I ate during Hubs' birthday dinner at Teske's Germania. A close second to this meal is the one I enjoyed at Minal & Ben's wedding. I could have eaten a vat of whatever it was I ate (such is my ignorance when it comes to Indian food).

6. Hubs and I visited Santa Barbara for our very drunken second anniversary in April.

5. The family got together at Chuckchansi Gold Resort and Casino for my grandmother's 80th birthday. Although 50% of us came down with norovirus, the buffet was well worth the resulting week of nausea.

4. In January, we took a trip to Sedona. That was our last real vacation, so we are due for another pretty soon here...

3. The American people elected Obama.

2. I finished the last class I need in order to obtain my college degree.

1. We bought a house!

MOAM's 10 Worst Moments of 2008:

10. The movie "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story," which we thankfully rented on Netflix and did not waste $20 going to the theater for.

9. David Duchovny is supposedly a sex addict, on top of which the X-Files movie REALLY SUCKED.

8. Number 8 has been removed to protect the innocent.

7. I didn't take a vacation after January.

6. I turned 30.

5. I am still fat.

4. I was sick. A lot.

3. We struggled (and still struggle) to clean out Hubs' grandma's house.

2. Milly left us.

1. So did Beth.

30 going on 13

As it turns out, I am a child. And so is my husband. We're apparently in complete denial about being in our 30s and so we've taken to behaving like children.
We realized this during a visit to Target the other night, where we were hoping to find an extra guitar for Hubs' Rock Band 2 (a video game widely enjoyed by youngsters everywhere) and the sequel to Twilight, which I recently tore through in about three days. There were only two paperback copies of "New Moon" left on the shelf and I almost had to have a throwdown with a couple of 14-year-old girls in order to get my copy. At the checkout, our hickeyed cashier eagerly told me the last book is the best one.
Hubs has taken to dancing around whenever I'm reading my book, and singing, "Oooh, look at me, I'm a little girl who looooooves vampires!"
To which I usually reply something like, "Whatever dude. Go bang on your fake drums some more."

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The New Girl Starts Monday

Me: I hope I like the new girl.
Shirley: Don't be silly. You don't like anybody.
Me: Hmm. True.

Monday, December 22, 2008

I Drink Your Milkshake

Pardon me for being behind the times, but I am just now catching up on all of last year's Oscar-winning movies, which has made it difficult to understand when people are joking about said movies. I only recently watched "The Departed," and "No Country For Old Men," and last night I had the pleasure of watching "There Will Be Blood." My favorite part of the whole movie was at the end. I don't care to explain what the main character was talking about, but he says, "I drink your milkshake. I drink it up!"
Now first -- if you haven't watched the movie, watch it. You tell me if it's as great as everyone says. Hubs and I were a bit baffled by the time it was finished, although Daniel Day-Lewis did a great job.
But second -- watch this SNL clip. It's so much funnier now that I've actually seen the movie.

I've decided to use the phrase "I drink your milkshake" in some form or another any time myself or someone else is getting shafted. For instance - Hubs and his coworkers won't be getting raises this year. Their milkshakes got drank. We'll be owing the IRS lots of money next year. They're gonna drink our milkshake. If I ever steal a parking spot from someone else, I will yell, "I drink your milkshake!"
The possibilities are endless.


Today I am trying to decide what I would be willing to pay for the privilege of never having to sit in traffic again.
I don't think my pinky finger would be too much to ask.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Christmas lights

Last night we saw this in person with some friends:

It's on Glacier Drive in the Cambrian area. It took two neighbors eight days for 10 to 12 hours each day just to set up the lights. That doesn't take into account the programming one of the guys did -- 15 hours for each song.

For the story go here.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Shopping with the masses

They say you're either very dumb or very smart to do your Christmas shopping this weekend. Very dumb because anyone who waits for the weekend before Christmas is in for nasty crowds. Very smart because the best deals of the season are this weekend. I noticed today that both of those things are true.
Being very dumb, I did the following today:
7:45: Forced self out of bed
8:25: Checked internet for opening times -- all stores opened at 8 a.m.
8:30: Noticed strange box someone apparently dumped at side of house. Stared at it for 30 seconds. Emailed husband regarding said box.
8:35: Arrived at Starbucks for morning sustenance and caffeine. Nasty line. Left without sustenance or caffeine.
8:45: Arrived at Cost Plus. Felt uninspired. Bought some lame gifts. Was asked by strange checkout girl if I would like to own an owl. Said no.
9:30: Arrived at the mall. Wandered through Ann Taylor Loft checking out buy-one-get-one free sale. Husband called to ask about box. Mom called twice with gift ideas. Left emptyhanded. Checked out GAP. Husband called about box. Left emptyhanded. Went to Macy's, which was throbbing with people. Husband called about box, which turned out to be an oven. Left emptyhanded. Went to Old Navy. Bought four items for under $35. Great sale. Went to Borders. Found book aunt wants. Stood in enormous line. Felt like crying. Went to Target. Found several items. Felt like crying but didn't. Success!
11: Arrived at sporting good store. Chose two items for under $35. Another pretty sweet deal. Was accosted by strange girls requesting large donations. Declined.
12: Arrived home. Discussed ditched oven with Hubs. Suggested we put "free" sign on it and trick other dumb bastard into taking it. Hubs chooses to pay $60 for its removal.
12:15: Drive through neighborhood. Notice dishwasher dumped in school parking lot and sink on neighbor's sidewalk with "free" sign on it. "See?" I said.
12:20: Arrived at Panera. Too busy. Left.
12:30: Arrived at Wendy's. Busy but oh well. Ate.
1:15: Arrived at Post Office. Waited in ridiculous line with people who had their heads up their asses. Left half an hour later with desired stamps in hand.

Current time: Procrastinating on cleaning the house.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I'm blaming you, anyway

Driving back from lunch just now, I saw a trailblazer with a "Nobama" sticker and another sticker that said "Drill here, drill now, pay less," or something like that.

And then there was a license plate frame that said, "Don't blame me, I vote Republican."

No shit?!

Please, dear driver, tell me how long you have had that license plate frame on your car. Because are you effing kidding me?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Finally, some direction

We are a spiteful nation

Last night was the finale of "The Biggest Loser," a TV show on which contestants compete to see who can lose the most weight.
Viewers had an option to vote for one of two contestants who could be one of the Final 3 competitors and possibly win $250,000. The two contestants that viewers could choose from happened to be husband and wife. The husband, Ed, asked viewers to choose his wife. His wife, Heba, asked for the same thing.
Eighty four percent of viewers voted for Ed.
Well, whether it be via editing or whether she simply is what she is: Heba came off as quite the obnoxious bitch throughout the season, and there was just no way that loyal viewers were going to let her get her hands on $250K.
It's unfortunate for Heba, because I believe she might have won had she made it to the Final 3. She'd lost about half her body weight.
At any rate, I thought it quite interesting that so many Americans would choose to do exactly the opposite of what Ed and Heba wanted. Although Hubs and I didn't vote, it certainly occurred to us to do so, and if we had, it would have been for Ed, too.

Monday, December 15, 2008

So, yeah

I was just looking at some photos a friend took from a baby shower I attended recently. I look like the fat "before" pictures you see on Jenny Craig commercials.


A rainbow

Hubs took this picture this morning from our backyard. He emailed it to me and noted that he was unable to find the pot of gold.

Monday, December 08, 2008


A little over a week ago, my grandma was picking out carpet colors for her new apartment. A helpful woman who worked for the senior facility my grandma would be moving into brought in an oversized catalog, and opened it before us on a table.

Grandma drew in a breath.

We thought they'd give her a choice between taupe and cream or some such standard carpet color, but shown on the catalog were carpet samples of every color imaginable. I saw her eyes slide down to the carpet square in the lower left corner: Pink.

No doubt about it. It wasn't a brownish shade of pink or a subtle creamy pink, it was a warm, rose hue. She passed her hand over the square and remarked on the color's similarity to the pink detailing in her couch. She looked up at her daughter, who was frowning slightly and motioning toward more neutral shades.

"I think I want pink," she said in her soft, Texan way.

Some more minor objections were made, but, after all, Grandma would be the one moving into the apartment and if she wanted a pink carpet, then by God, she would have it, and it would be perfect. I mentally cheered her victory.
We toured the building. She chose bathroom tile and ceiling fans. We surveyed the dining room and admired the library. We said hello to other tenants -- her soon-to-be neighbors.
After a bit, we parted ways. We hugged and kissed. Grandma gave me a carrot cake-muffin she'd received as part of her breakfast -- she can't eat sugar due to her diabetes.
Grandma returned home. I'm told she went shopping a few times with my aunt last week. She was in high spirits, with Christmas approaching and her new apartment being readied for early January occupancy.

Friday morning her speech was slurred from a stroke she'd apparently suffered. Friday night, she was gone.

I'm wrestling with a few emotions.

I'm heartbroken that she left so unexpectedly.

I'm happy she's with the Lord. As she's said many times, she is deeply religious and has always known with conviction that she'd eventually get to hang out with God for eternity.

I'm glad her suffering was short.

I'm angry I'll never get to see her again. I should have videotaped her doing something -- anything -- at some point. I'd pay anything to hear her say, "Well, Paul..."

And I keep coming back to that pink carpet. It makes no sense but I'm agonizing over the apartment that will never be. Surely the carpet never even had time to be installed.

There must be some greater lesson for me that has little to do with carpet and more to do with choosing what you really want. Other people's desires for me (or you) be damned. Let's not wait until we're 80 to realize that if we choose the pink carpet it's not the end of the world. Others might think we're nuts but, ahhh. That carpet.

It would've really been something.

Friday, December 05, 2008

We live in trees, too

Riddle me this.

Why did we receive weekly updates from TV news about the tree sitters on the UC Berkeley campus, but I have never heard anything about the tree sitters on the UC Santa Cruz campus, who have been living in the redwoods for 13 months?

Wise words from Will Smith

I annoy myself anytime I find that I'm nodding my head in agreement with movie stars during their TV interviews, but alas, sometimes (albeit rarely) the words that leave their mouths are not pure drivel, and sometimes (even more rarely) the words that leave their mouths are actually meaningful.
Such was the case last night, during Barbara Walters' interview with Will Smith, whom she considers one of the most fascinating people of the year. Which -- I beg to differ on her list of fascinating people. Tom Cruise was on the list and let's face it, he's just annoying. Although, not to stray too far off topic, but he was hilarious in "Tropic Thunder."
So anyway, Barbara's doing one of her softball interviews with Will Smith, and she asks him something about marriage and how he keeps his strong. Smith is currently on his second marriage, to Jada Pinkett Smith.
He told Barbara that divorce is not an option this time. He said marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do. He said if you're married, and divorce is an option, then you're getting divorced.
I thought that was insightful and probably true.
My own marriage has been something of a trial by fire. Divorce isn't an option, so even though he or I may leave the house in anger or slam a door or yell and scream or cry in frustration, when that nonsense is done, we figure out how to make it OK.
I tell people all the time, if my husband and I had lived together before we got married, we never would have gotten married. If you're serious about it, marriage forces you to do the hard work that's required when you've made a lifelong committment to someone.
Not to make marriage sound awful. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but also the hardest.
I can't explain it much better than that.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Clacker Part II

A conversation between my husband and I this morning while he was still wrapped in warm blankets and I was doing the cold-hardwood-floor dance in my underwear while trying to figure out what to wear:

Him: Want to know something funny?
Me: Hm?
Him: I was getting into bed last night, and you rolled over a couple of times like you usually do, but then you said, 'Clacker' and then you went 'Rrrrruuuuuuhhhhhhhh,' and I was like, 'Oh my God, you just said Clacker in your sleep.'
Me: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! No fucking way. Are you sure you didn't dream it?
Him: No, I didn't dream it, I was awake!
Me: Are you sure I said 'Clacker'?
Him: Yes! Clacker!

My Parachute

I heard "My Parachute Won't Open" on 105.3 this morning and it got me to chuckle. If you're interested, he's apparently playing before the opener at Live 105's Not So Silent Night.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008


A telephone conversation with my mother this evening:

Mom: "And what do I always say?"
Me: "Don't underestimate yourself?"
Mom: "Don't sell yourself short. Act like a man. A man would go for it and would never doubt that he can do it. You can do it, you just need to be given the opportunity."