Thursday, May 29, 2008

Dr. Hubs

Last night after smelling my guacamole breath, Hubs went a-scrounging for his flashlight and then begged me for about 15 minutes to please open wide so he could inspect my teeth for cavities. It is difficult for me to keep my mouth closed when he is behaving so bizarrely because when I laugh I tend to open wide and guffaw. Finally, to his great pleasure, I opened my mouth for about 10 seconds so he could take a look. Nothing very astounding was discovered.

Passive Aggression

Today's passive aggressive notes are just the best thing ever.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I have the Tuesday Blues....

... because:

-I feel fat
-I am tired
-I am at my job
-Two houses we've been watching are pending sale
-I am the owner of information that I want to blog about but am not allowed to yet
-My cube neighbor has given notice and has a sweet job lined up and I am jealous
-Hubby is working late
-My bathroom is dirty
-There are no groceries in the fridge
-I want to drink Newcastle but it has too many calories
-We need to do laundry
-The fact that I whine so much is annoying to even me

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Happy Birthday, Clark

He's a beautiful baby boy, born just past midnight this morning. He was 7 lbs, 4 oz, 18 inches and pretty perfect.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Preparing to welcome our newest friend

My friend Katie somehow had the time and presence of mind to post a bulletin on Myspace letting us all know that her water broke and she is on her way to the hospital to have her baby. Her thought on this -- "Holy crap!"

Which, yeah. That pretty much sums it up. She also texted my cell phone about an hour ago to let me know she was going to the hospital and I texted back my good wishes. Such a crazy high-tech, instant-information world we live in!

Anyway, all of the "group" - that is, all of our friends from college who are part of this group - are abuzz with this information and we've all been calling each other and instant messaging each other. The baby is a boy and the name is, as of yet, unrevealed. They've tossed around a few possibilities but I'm starting to think perhaps those were just to derail us and they're going to bust out a name previously unmentioned, like Jerome, or Lucien, or Patricio. We know they don't want a "typical" name for their kid -- no Davids or Johns or that kind of thing for them.

I'll post the name and hopefully a photo if the new parents agree. Here's wishing Katie as easy a labor as one can have. We can't wait to meet the new boy!

Further proof of the dumbing down of journalism

The front page of the Merc (the one you can actually hold in your hand as opposed to read online) is a full page photo of the Summit Fire in the Santa Cruz mountains and the headline, "So Early For This."

Really? You had one headline to write, and this is what you wrote? Is it just me, or does this headline sound vaguely Jewish? Like, they might as well have said, "Oy, vey! So early for this!"

Besides which, does the fire really warrant a full-page photo? I can think of plenty of other fires in the Bay Area in which homes were also destroyed and yet somehow other news was also important so was also put on the front page. I can only imagine that the skeleton crew at the Merc, having been pared down to a handful of low-paid unfortunates, heaved a sigh of relief yesterday when something sort of big happened so they wouldn't have to worry about needing to pretend to be a large enough staff to put out relevant and complete news.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Did he just say Fresno?

I don't want to make it sound like my husband frequents strip clubs, because he doesn't, but if called upon to attend a bachelor party wherein strip clubs are on the agenda, he does not shirk his duty. From his description of events, it sounds like the novelty has worn off, he says he could take it or leave it. Naked girls, ho hum. Anyway, since we got married, this is at least the second bachelor party he's been to, and now that he's the chilled-out guy with the wedding ring on, he's having all kinds of in-depth conversations with strippers who just sit down next to him and start talking. In Reno over the weekend, one such stripper told him she is from Fresno and used to date UFC fighter Chuck Liddell before he became "famous" and knocked up a couple of chicks. Actually, she told him she's a paralegal by day and still lives in Fresno but just strips in Reno on the weekends in order to fund her expensive taste for name-brand shoes and purses. I'm slightly incredulous, but who knows? I know women who occassionally engage in questionable behavior for Louis Vuitton handbags.
At any rate, Hubs told her he's partied in Fresno, and when she asked where, he said "downtown." She told him downtown is too dangerous for him to party in and didn't believe him. Technically, I think we partied in the Tower District. I couldn't be sure.
So the fact that the stripper couldn't believe that he'd been to Fresno made me think of an occassional column at The Beehive called "Did They Just Say Fresno?" or something like that.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I neglected to plan my weekend well, knowing hubby would be out of town on his bachelor party trip. I ended up remembering what it was like when I lived on my own in Sonora. It was lonely. But I made the most of it by breaking my personal Mario Kart record and earning 6,000 points. I'm back down to about 5,700 points after getting my butt kicked by some 8,000 pointers. Also, I went to the movies by myself, which I used to do frequently in Sonora, especially in the heat up there. I saw "What Happens in Vegas," which was slightly amusing but extremely predictable. Which you sort of expect anyway but it could definitely have been better. Later on I watched "Hitch" at home, which is the second time I've seen that movie, and it's really pleasantly funny and entertaining. I suggest it for when you're in the mood for a romantic comedy. I also went to an open house yesterday after our realtor called Hubs to let him know that a house we've looked at at least 5 times has had a little extra work done to it and the price has come down about 30k. They staged it this time, and the major changes included painting the house and putting sod in the backyard. I've always liked this house but Hubs doesn't really like it, for legitimate reasons. The garage is a little difficult to navigate cars into because of its proximity to the house, and the backyard is extremely small. Also it has wall heaters instead of central heat and no dishwasher. Some of that stuff is fixable but some of it's not. It's a good neighborhood but the schools suck. Which is always weird to me. I think people in Willow Glen must all send their kids to private school. Which we want to avoid if at all possible so we'll probably end up living in the Cambrian area. So that's about the extent of my weekend. My BK comes home today so I should probably shower.

Friday, May 16, 2008

This week

This week has been a little rough. I've been depriving myself of sleep, which isn't really new. It's been hot as blazes, which I really hate.

But this week, I:

-got bangs. I haven't had bangs since high school. They're interesting. Not sure if I'll keep them.

-emailed my adviser at SJSU to see about taking the last class I need to graduate. Finally.

-will be spending my first nights away from BK since we got married two years ago. He's going to a bachelor party in Reno. He jokes that I will sleep better than ever and awake with renewed energy, ready to work out, clean the house and write a book.

-had a thought: No matter how hideous certain parts of a person's face may be, almost unfailingly, their eyes are beautiful. Thank goodness we could all at least have that.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Shayne, oh what a pain

Since I know you're all waiting with bated breath for an update on "The Bachelor," here it is: Our well-groomed English dumbass picked Shayne, a 22-year-old bleach blonde actress wannabe dripping with ingenuousness (is that a word) that seemed obvious to everyone except HIM. He even proposed and she, of course, accepted, all the while shouting in her Smurfette voice obnoxious things about them loving each other.
The good news is that a new BACHELORETTE is coming out, and devoted fans like us know those are few and far between, since the network probably loses most of its male viewers when all of the T&A disappear, only to be replaced by a lot of sausage. It will be slightly amusing. The bachelorette herself is one of the chicks eliminated by the previous bachelor (before the English dude), that Southern guy, Brad, who owns bars or something and who'd decided in the end that he didn't like either of the chicks very much so eliminated them both. Which was rad, actually. BK and I call the new bachelorette Blinky, because she has a definite blinking problem. Tune in next Monday! You'll see!

Monday, May 12, 2008

So although Ambitious MOAM had a menu of braised beef short ribs, mushroom risotto and peas with shallots and bacon all planned out, Lazy MOAM won out with three-cheese baked penne, brussel sprouts (I know -- what was I thinking?), salad and French bread. My parents and sister and brother-in-law came over for the meal. We'd just sat down to eat and had barely dug in when we heard "Happy Birthday" being sung from a neighbor's patio. My family, all abuzz on sangria, eagerly, and loudly, joined in. Once it was over, Hubs sort of shook his head and muttered something about us actually still needing to live in this apartment, with these neighbors. I declared that our neighbors hate us anyway, and initiated "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow," which we sing to everyone on their birthday, regardless of whether they want it to be sung to them. It involves a lot of clapping. Once we finished, there was dead silence from the neighbor's patio for about 30 seconds. Then, "Happy Birthday" started up again! They were singing it again because we'd destroyed the first version! We silenced ourselves and listened closely. My dad mused that they sounded like a barbershop quartet. Perhaps they were practicing and we'd interrupted practice? They finished off with a rather depressing sounding, "And many moooooore...." Certainly doesn't beat "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."

Friday, May 09, 2008

Jessica? Ummmm ... Jessica?!

I took a two hour lunch break today because no one else was in the damn office and I was depressed and needed to go to the mall anyway to find my mom a Mother's Day gift. So I was trying on a shirt at Ann Taylor Loft (which is having a pretty sweet sale today. Macy's is also having a 1-day sale today), and although the shirt said it was my size, the sleeves were for a person with much smaller arms, someone probably half my size. I shoved my arms into them anyway. And then they became like those Chinese finger traps, where the harder you pull, the harder it is to get your fingers out. Except it was my fat arms, trapped in synthetic cloth, and I was waving my elbows frantically in the air, trying to get the damn thing off. While I was trapped, I had a fantasy (what would you call a daytime nightmare?) about needing to ask the helpful fitting room clerk, who'd informed me that her name was Jessica, to please bring me some butter and rope, and perhaps a shoe horn. Thankfully, after some more red-faced tugging, the shirt popped off.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

They're killing Independent MOAM!

So, Jerry Seinfeld used to do this routine in which he would talk about how Nighttime Jerry is always screwing over Morning Jerry by staying up too late and drinking and having a blast, with complete disregard for how Morning Jerry is going to feel about that the next day. I think about that a lot because I operate like that on a daily basis. Morning MOAM is routinely pissed off at Nighttime MOAM. But lately I've also been doing this new thing, where Ambitious MOAM starts pissing off Lazy MOAM. Now, Lazy MOAM is undoubtedly present a majority of the time, as is evidenced by the state of my home. But Ambitious MOAM thinks it would be great if Lazy MOAM would get off her ass and throw a bridal shower (Ambitious MOAM forced Lazy MOAM to do this just last week), or cook Christmas and Easter dinners. Yesterday, Ambitious MOAM volunteered to host Mother's Day at Lazy MOAM's dingy apartment, and when the guests eagerly took Ambitious MOAM up on her offer, Lazy MOAM was highly irritated.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I think I've entered the Ninth Circle of Nerdom. I am completely geeking out on Mario Kart. Ever since BK purchased it, it's all I want to spend my time doing in the evenings. Playing video games. And I am not a video game player. But Mario Kart, for some reason, has sucked me in, and I fear there is no return. I even skipped my beloved "Bachelor" last night to play it -- although, granted, it was just a reunion show where all the chicks who got kicked to the curb get to bitch out the bachelor. Also, we reached a new level of geek-hood last night by finding Mike & Tanya in the system and spending a decent amount of time racing and battling them. They were formidable rivals.

Monday, May 05, 2008

A movie you should see

Another review -- this time, "Iron Man," directed by John Favreau, of all people, and starring Robert Downey, Jr.
Downey is excellent, Gwyneth Paltrow is less irritating than usual (I find her perfection and soft spokenness grating, typically), and the story was really good. It's still a superhero movie, so it has elements of the fantastic, but overall it was very enjoyable.
It did have one fault, but only true "The Big Lebowski" fans will recognize it. That one fault is Jeff Bridges' mere presence in the movie. Don't get me wrong, I fricking love Jeff Bridges. He can do no wrong. But no matter what he does or says in any movie, all I can hear in the back of my mind is "All the dude ever wanted ... was his rug back." This is a nerdy Lebowski reference. I have seen "The Big Lebowski" 50 times, easily. We are die-hard fans of the movie. We have yet to attend Lebowski-fest (I think it's in Tennessee this year?) but we played two of the key songs in the movie at our wedding and we are constantly quoting the movie. (There's a beverage here, man!) One of these days I need to write an ode to "The Big Lebowski."
But back to the movie. I think there were a few Lebowski fans in the audience, because any time Bridges yelled or emoted in any way, there were a few snickers and chuckles, myself and BK among them.
If you make it to the theater, sit through the credits for a little extra tidbit.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Now I can do this

I was feeling really hopeless this morning, what with the whole falling off the Weight Watchers wagon and being a shitty friend who never calls her friends. I was looking at my favorite blogs this morning and considering commenting on a couple. I've wanted to tell Faith I put on a shower cap the other day and realized how strange I would look as a bald person, but I felt it was inappropriate. I wanted to tell Heather she should use her tax rebate to buy a Roomba and not save it for the next time her car breaks down. And then I read Mark Morford's column today on sfgate and once again I managed to smile and feel a little more normal, because no matter how angry or left-wing I am feeling on any given day, this guy is such a rage-filled Democrat that I suddenly feel like Dick Cheney. That's totally exaggerated, I'm sure if I felt like Dick Cheney the devil would be whispering in my ear. Well, the devil is probably whispering in my ear anyway, but I digress. So Morford offers a few suggestions on what you can buy with your tax rebate. My favorite: A copy of grand theft auto IV, three bottles of Stoli, and a large hammer. I mean, how can you not chuckle?