Friday, March 16, 2007

These last few days at home, sick, have been mind numbingly boring, particularly today since the symptoms are not as bad, which means I'm conscious for a greater percentage of time. I'm not sure who advertisers think is staying home watching terrible mid-day programming, but apparently it's people who A) need to go to the dentist B) have a terrible vaginal itch C) are in dire need of some sort of technical training D) need auto insurance.
And what is with all of the Judge shows? I am currently watching Judge Hatchett, and I kid you not, this is a direct quote from the show: "You tore a page out of the Bible to roll a joint?!"
Anyway, that's all!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I am sick! At least, I must be. It's a very strange illness. My whole body hurts and the thought of food is repulsive. So I stayed home. And I've slept most of the day away until I forced myself a short while ago to eat a Cup-A-Soup so I could take some advil and now, thank God, the pain is a little less. My kidneys felt like they were trying to escape my body.
I've watched a couple of recorded "What Not To Wears" and am now watching a Dr. Phil about hoarders. This chick is a cat hoarder and has literally 200 cats that she is not allowed to have so her neighbors are understandably upset with the odor and the fact that their property is overrun with cats. She's convinced they are killing her cats and is leaving nasty messages on their answering machines. People are bizarre! Hoarders... Hoarding is such a strange phenomenon. Growing up, one of my friend's mother was a hoarder, she just kept every damn thing. Getting into the house was a challenge in and of itself and it was always dark in there because they couldn't open the blinds lest someone see. Her children would have been taken away.
Anyway, here's hoping this is just a 24-hour flu!

Friday, March 09, 2007

So I have cracked open many of the eggs in my jumbo egg carton and something like 5 out of 7 were twins. Well, one was Siamese. What are the odds? Are chick twins more common than people twins? I must research this.
At any rate this whole egg phenomenon has me paranoid that one of these days I am going to crack open an egg and a half-formed chick is going to fall out. That, I worry, would turn me off of eggs forever. Why, you may wonder, am I eating so many damn eggs to begin with? Because, dear reader, every day, EVERY DAY (!), I imagine I am going to have a carb free day and begin what will undoubtedly be an excellent run of weight loss. Yes, I am deluded. Particularly as I sit here at 1020 a.m. eating chocolates.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

So this morning I cracked open another jumbo egg with twin yolks in it. Let's just say the novelty is wearing off. And seriously, if this keeps happening, I don't think I can buy jumbo eggs because the twin yolks thing sort of grosses me out.

Today is Brendan's grandmother's birthday. She is 96. Quite the magical number, 96 is. I graduated from high school in 96. Ninety six is also 69 backwards. And well, we're not precisely sure if today is actually her birthday because if you ask her, she tells you a 20 minute story about being born on the cusp of March 6, so really it was March 5, but her parents could never agree so for all we know, it's today. I'd be surprised if she remembers it's her birthday since the last conversation I heard Brendan having with her over the phone went something like this: "Hello? Yes, it's Brendan. No, it's Sunday." So yeah.

Brendan is on this quest to solve his Rubik's cube. He's completely irritated with it because we saw Will Smith solve one on TV in 5 minutes, and this wasn't in a movie, it was during an interview, so he actually did it. I don't know, maybe we have a defective Rubik's cube, but more likely my brain is defective because I can't fricking figure those things out and I never will be able to. I even looked up online how to solve it because Brendan insists there is an algorithm to it (oh THAT helps) and there are dozens of sites with tips, and some of these people seem to think that if you just understand that every cube only has two stickers on it and each center cube will always stay in the center, this will result in an immediate Aha! moment that will enable you to solve the Rubik's cube. Not so.

We are playing the lotto tonight and we feel pretty good about having odds slightly greater than 1 in 200,000,000. That many people have purchased tickets because the pot is up to $360 million.

Monday, March 05, 2007

And a Happy Monday to you as well. I'm determined not to let myself stress out this week.

So this weekend I cracked open an egg that had twin yolks in it!! I was astounded! Two yolks -- twins! Two potentially identical baby chicks. And then I ate them.

Honestly, I felt sort of bad as I scrambled them up with a fork. But not that bad, obviously. The freakish yolks came from a jumbo sized egg. I hadn't meant to buy jumbo eggs, but I find that when I'm at the grocery store all I really want to do is get what I need as fast as possible and get the hell out of there. There's always a plethora of people in my way, especially in front of the eggs, standing there looking perplexed. And I know what they're thinking because the eggs perplex me, too. There's all these different sizes, and brown versus white (which apparently -- the brown eggs just come from brown hens, purportedly) and maybe there's organic eggs in there somewhere but I can't find them, so I just grab the first carton of eggs I see, and provided that there are 12 eggs in there and none of them are visibly damaged, I buy them. That's how I ended up with the jumbo sized ones this last time. Hell, I didn't even know they came in that size.

Anyway, can I just say I hate hate hate Tyra Banks? I hate her! I didn't just wake up this morning thinking about my dislike for her, but I was listening to Howard Stern on the way in (three months of free satellite radio courtesy of my new VW) and they were playing some of the clips from her terrible talk show and she was going on and on about how she was the first black woman to appear in the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated. Robin, Stern's sidekick (who is, herself, black), was taking issue with a couple things, including her assertion that Tyra is not "really black." Well, she's the the first blonde haired, green eyed black chick to appear in the swimsuit edition, I guess. Which, frick, I don't care, I'm not going to take her to task on her blackness because I think that's just wrong. That's like people saying Barak Obama shouldn't be elected president because he's not a direct descendant of slaves.
Anyway the real reason I hate Tyra is because she thinks she basically saved the world by becoming a model. The way she talks, it was her, not, perhaps, Martin Luther King, who really started the desegregation movement, she single-handedly ran the underground railroad, she founded the Black Panthers, and it's only because of her that any black females have any sense of self worth whatsoever. She is fricking irritating. Not to mention her terrible show that I can't stop watching: America's Next Top Model. The premier of the new season was on last week, and I felt a deep rage welling up as she presented herself to her new flock of model wannabes by step dancing, as I guess they are calling it, in camo pants. I just cannot explain why she irritates me so much.
Ah well. Another week has begun. Good luck!

Friday, March 02, 2007

Would everyone PLEASE stop using the word "entitled" to describe something that has been titled? As in, "the book was entitled 'Jane Walks Her Dog.'"
Titled!! Titled, people!!! Otherwise intelligent people constantly misuse the word entitled and it's driving me bonkers!!

Thursday, March 01, 2007

My favorite radio station has just been taken over by some blasphemous piece of crap radio station that calls itself "The Wolf" (GROSS) and plays country music. Color me unAmerican, but I HATE HATE HATE country music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fortunately, 104.9, which previously was a decent station before it became a Spanish-speaking station, recently switched back to its English-speaking format, but seems somehow crappier than it was before.
The discovery of "The Wolf" takeover this morning was an unpleasant surprise and made me think of this amusing book my dad bought and I'm currently reading called "The 7 Pillars of Health" or something. Among the pillars are things like drinking enough water and de-stressing yourself. One way to de-stress yourself is to not listen to music that will excite you in the mornings or "gossipy" talk shows (I am a regular listener of the Alice morning show - gossip galore!), according to the book. The author, a certain Dr. Colbert, actually suggests listening to Christian music in the mornings. Now, if there is one thing I hate more than country music, it's Christian music. Have you heard that crap? Most of it is just terrible.
This Colbert fellow actually wrote another book called "What Would Jesus Eat?" if you can believe that. He's constantly referring to his other books in "The 7 Pillars" and saying obnoxious things like, "for more information on keeping your colon clean, read my book 'Holy Colon Cleansing.'"