Tuesday, November 28, 2006

This morning on the way into work, I saw a license plate frame that said "Honk twice if you masturbate."
Just thought I would share that. I find it.... crass, I guess? Like, ok, honk honk, I masturbate! Want me to wave, too? Drive by your car and make a jack-off motion followed by a thumbs up?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


Apparently Posh Spice has never read a book. Even if you don't particularly enjoy reading books isn't there some point in your education when you are forced to read a book? Perhaps she is illiterate? She doesn't "have time" to read. What a moron!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Fun fact of the day: They are now calling K-Fed FedEx, hahahahahaha.....

Also, I suspect my upstairs neighbor is on speed. She woke me up at 5:30 this morning by opening her closet, which doesn't sound like a big deal except that our apartment complex was built roughly around the time of Creation and these closet doors are made out of metal and run on metal tracks. When opening, they sound unfortunately similar to freight trains. So she started the Opening of the Closets at 5:30 and proceeded to open and close them approximately 4,000 more times before vacuuming at about 7 a.m. and then taking the loudest shower possible. Don't ask how it's possible, it just is. I think this woman does not sleep. I think she stays up all night writing stories about her cat, Kiki. I hate her. In fact, I hate all of my neighbors. But if they would just shut the hell up and be quiet I would like them all. So it's their faults.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

I just HAD to copy the following into my blog, it was just so dead on.

God Hates Gay Evangelicals
Will Pastor Ted's love of hot man sex open the narrow mind of the religious right?
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Let's assume it's all true. Let's assume that Ted Haggard is just deliriously, stupidly, crazyjuicy gay. I know, not much of a stretch, but let's go with it.
Yes, Pastor Ted, disgraced former leader of 30 million blithely homophobic evangelical Christians, yet another of those flamboyant semi-insane Liberace-with-a-Bible megachurch preachers, a man who had weekly conference calls with George W. Bush, a man who lobbied Congress on behalf of homophobic Supreme Court nominees, Ted has had so much gay sex with a male prostitute it makes Mark Foley look like child's play (so to speak). Fair enough?

Furthermore, let's assume the reaction of Haggard's stunned flock is also true, that many of his devout Christian set are "devastated" and "shocked" and "pulverized" and "beaten with God's own giant rod of icky homo scariness" (note: quotes not verified) about Ted's utter obvious gayness.

So, assuming all that, what's left? How about one overarching question: Will it make a difference? Will it be enough to effect any sort of ideological or spiritual change among the uptight and the sexually rigid? In short: Will God shake anyone awake?

In other words, will Haggard, one of the most high-profile and influential Christians in America, and his evident love of men be enough to flip some sort of switch in the rigid Christian fundamentalist mind-set and slap them out of their ideological coma and maybe begin to tip the scales back toward, oh, I don't know ... let's say open-mindedness, generosity of spirit, happy grinning homosexual acceptance and an understanding that God doesn't give a flying evangelical crap about gender? Do you already know the answer?

Because this is, in a way, what it comes down to. A massive, hurtful hypocrite of Haggard's stature and influence comes to light, and you can only hope for, well, something. A shift. A hint of awakening, of movement, of evolution. An increase of urgent calls to the gay-love hotline from the GOP. You know, something.

Here's the bad new: Keep on waiting.

And here is your simple proof: Go right now and read some of the white-hot comments in SF Gate's Culture Blog about this very story and be amazed, and saddened, as you enjoy a very revealing snapshot of Bush's America that will make you laugh and sigh and shake your head in wonder. Go ahead. Log on and read. I'll wait.

First, of course, you must sift through all the gleeful comments from all those who cannot help but love to see the epic hypocrisy of one of the nation's foremost gay-bashing fundamentalists laid bare. I know, it's a pretty enthusiastic outpouring. How could it not be?

And then ... ahh, there they are. The Christian apologists. Here is where you read about how "real" Christians are saddened. They are heartbroken. They are apologizing for Haggard's actions, defending him, saying we all make mistakes, we are all sinners who deserve forgiveness, saying gosh golly the good Lord tests us in mysterious and painful ways and we should have love in our hearts, etc., etc., on and on.

(And by the way, man alive, do evangelical Christians love them some forgiveness. It is like some sort of drug. It's like spiritual crystal meth. They cannot get enough. The New Life crowd actually cheered Haggard, through their tears, as his pitiable apology was read aloud to the congregation and as he confessed his "repulsive" sins. They cheered.)

But there's a catch. Because this is what you will not see: You will not see a single comment from a Christian or would-be Christian that says: Hey, you know what? Maybe this gay love thing we've all been railing about and making laws against and rending our flesh over for so long, well, maybe it isn't such a bad thing after all.

It's as sad as it is obvious. You'll find no evangelical, no Christian leader anywhere coming out and saying: Let's do something different. Let's take this shocking Haggard scandal as a cosmic sign, as a big rainbow-colored warning flag that maybe, just maybe we need to look at this gay issue with a little more love and a little less nauseating pseudo-spiritual homophobic dogma. Maybe now is the time to rethink this hateful ideology that has kept us so deep in fear and mistrust and sexual agony for so long. Can I get a praise Jesus?

Yes, I realize it is quite a lot to ask. I realize it would take a Herculean effort on the part of a segment of people entirely unused to nuanced, radical introspection, a huge pinch to the nipples of uptight righteousness. But oh, the possibility.

Or imagine this: Imagine if Ted Haggard himself had the nerve, the brass spiritual cojones to stand his little gay butt up there on the New Life stage and say: OK people, here's the deal: Aside from the fact that I cheated on my wife and lied to the world and jammed homophobia down your throat for years and fought like the devil to make America more uptight and insular and afraid of its own genitalia, I have to say this: There really is nothing at all wrong with feeling deep, sexual love for another man.

Actually (he could add), it can be quite a beautiful thing, rich and rewarding and full of God and life and love. It is not a sin. It is not a threat to marriage, or children, or humanity, or your macho pickup truck, or your tidy minivan 'n' shopping mall life. Let me be your new example. Let me preach a new sort of understanding. And let it begin right now.

Can you imagine? Wouldn't that be shocking? Gratifying? Boundary shattering?

Is it not, alas, just another warm and fuzzy liberal dream? Because here is what we got instead:

"The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality. And I take responsibility for the entire problem. I am a deceiver and a liar. There's a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it for all of my adult life."

And there you have it. "Repulsive and dark," and he ain't talkin' about his lousy haircut or the fact that his kids will be in therapy for the next 17 years or about cheating on his wife for so long, even though oh my God what kind of woman wouldn't notice her husband staring at photos of Brad Pitt just a little too longingly -- oh right, the kind who's married to a very, very wealthy and powerful preacher who has made life so rich and comfortable for her she is willing to overlook, well, just about anything. Just a guess.

Nope, Ted's talkin' about homosexuality. Ted's talkin' about feeling deep sexual urges toward another man. He's talking about how evil and repulsive and disgusting it is to, well, to be his true self.

In other words, he's talking about the kind of sexual repression, self-denial and self-loathing you normally find in psychology textbooks and in movies like "American Beauty" and back at fun, happy places like, oh, say Brigham Young University, where until recently they liked to attach electrodes to students who admitted to homosexual feelings in a loving attempt to try and torture the gayness out of them.

Sadly, Haggard's pathetic apology uses the exact same kind of language. It is, in its way, hate speech. Self-hate, hatred of gays, hatred of the sexual urge, hatred of his own body -- but also hatred of a world, a culture that will not let Haggard live his life as he really is, even though -- and here's the real karmic kicker -- even though he's one of the very people who helped make it that way.

Oh Ted, you poor, lost little gay man. Can you really not see the light? Won't anyone?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Well I have completed my civic duty, effectively canceling out all of my husband's conservative votes, so to Democrats in District 1: You're welcome. I felt myself slipping into a coma as I studied my voter pamphlet and I was peeved that lots of candidates either put in one-liners about why we should vote for them or just didn't make statements at all. Turns out, according to one candidate's one-liner, every word costs them $20. One paragraph could tally up quite a bill! Each word worth $20! An "and" is equal in value to a "Poochigian"? Methinks not. I must research whether this candidate's assertion is actually true.

Also I was irritated that all of the Green Party members are apparently against the death penalty, which I guess I never knew! I can't vote for them for that reason alone, unfortunately, which sounds sort of bad since it irritates me when people concentrate on issues like abortion when voting for candidates. But I just can't forfeit the death penalty: Too many people deserve it! If anything, it should be more widely employed and more quickly administered! I think Iraq has the right idea: Once the death penalty has been handed down, it must be carried out within 30 days.

So at any rate, I waited almost 45 minutes to vote, which is by far the longest I have ever waited. I got to use the computerized machines for the first time, and as we all watched and waited (there were about 40 people in line and 5 machines when I first got there) each machine slowly ran out of paper. When I left, I think only 2 were still working and the line had easily tripled. This is efficient? I'd rather deal with the hanging chads. In particular because I was stuck standing in front of this guy who coughed on my neck repeatedly for half an hour. I am so paranoid about getting sick right now, what with everyone dripping and spraying their germy body fluids everywhere. Everyone at work is sick and I have the week off next week and I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend it in bed sick.

OH! I almost forgot the most important event of the evening: Britney filed for a divorce from K-Fed! Yes!! Justin got his Sexyback and now Britney's gonna get her classy back.
Thank goodness. Girlfriend was already too trashy for her own good (giving TV interviews without professional makeup -- is she NUTS!?), but when she married a guy that even Fresno is ashamed to say is one of its "sons", it brought her way, way down. Popozao my ass!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Now I know my problem: I was supposed to be in TV or radio, not newspapers. DUH!
What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Midland

"You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.

The West
North Central
The Inland North
The South
The Northeast
What American accent do you have?
Take More Quizzes
Maybe my fascination with the Ted Haggart being a gay man who happens to be married with five children and oh yeah leads a congregation of a bajillion Christians and also advises the mentally ill leader of our nation -- maybe my fascination with him is a little sick, but the more I think about it, the more it disturbs me on a few levels.
It doesn't bother me that he's gay. Whatever, people are gay, it happens. Same for the cheating on the wife thing, also something that happens. The snorting of the meth, well, that happens as well I suppose.
What bothers me is that he has been deceiving thousands of people for many, many years. Some of those people are important, they lead our nation. Others of them are simply needy, wayward souls who thought he was above any sort of manipulation and thought he was this bastion of all that was truth and honesty and goodness in this world.
And what bothers me most is that this sort of thing seems to happen way too frequently. What is it about being in a position of power, particularly religious power, that makes people go completely insane? Are they insane to begin with or does it happen after their rise to power? Maybe there's something about being in power that makes resisting temptation too impossible?
It's enough to make you think: If all of these seemingly good men and women are not, after all, good men and women, and they are sort of our lifelines to God, then maybe God isn't there. It really makes you think that. The only thing is, I really believe God is there. And I think he/she has got to be seriously disappointed with some of the crap that's going on down here.

So and something else I find fascinating about this Ted Haggart mess is his wife and her claim that she is going to try her best to be "faithful" and stand by her man. I think this woman has Hillary Clinton syndrome. No one wants you to stand by your man and no one expects you to. Seriously. Your husband is getting BJs from a fat intern in the oval office? It's OK to divorce him. Something is obviously wrong here. Worse: Your husband is having gay sex and snorting meth under the guise of hanging out in a Denver hotel room to write his book while you stay home and take care of your five children. Divorce is warranted. These batty women who think they're some kind of role model for all other women out there should do something a real woman in this situation would do: Take the kids, leave the house, and sue him for every fucking penny he's worth. And he's worth a lot, unfortunately.

Anyway that's my rant for the day. I also read an article about a book signing Courtney Love had recently in SF and I found it so totally amusing that I thought you would too:
That woman is fricking entertaining.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The fortune in my fortune cookie on Sunday night was really not so much a fortune as it was a commentary. It said, "If you had life to live over again, you would need more money."
Who comes up with this stuff?? Of course I would need more money: My initial chosen profession paid me $11.50 an hour to start at what I considered my first true, professional job. The low-pay issue is the reason why (in my opinion):
-so few (sane) people stay in that profession.
-so little quality work is turned out.
-so many writers drink too much.
-so many writers are truly, truly strange people. (Author Laurie Notaro describes writers as visually comparable to lepers)

So the other day one of my vendors called me a Jew. As in, he used a racial (or religious) slur to call me cheap. And I just said, Oh. And he was like, I hope that wasn't insulting. And I said, OK.
It was weird. And then he started talking about how the word jewelry comes from the word jew because so many jews are in the jewelry business or something. I don't know, it was just bizarre. Would you really use a slur like that with someone who A) You really don't know that well and B) you're not sure is going to be offended?
What a dumbass.