So I have this $25 gift certificate to DSW, and I decided I was gonna find me some knee-high black leather boots with some sexy heels. They would go well with my slutty Halloween costume, in addition to being useful for various other outfits.
Anyway I go there, I see there are probably about 15 pairs of knee high black leather boots, probably three or four of which meet my requirements. I try on the three or four I like, and to my horror, I am unable to zip them up.
My apparently HUGE CALVES will not fit into these fricking boots. I'm sitting there tugging on the zipper like I can squeeze my giant leg into these boots, my face is turning red, I'm sweating, I'm embarrassed. It's like trying on something that's too small when you're in a dressing room at a clothing store. Except you're out in the open and everyone and their mother can see that you are TOO FAT for the particular item you are trying on.
So I become indignant. I am thinking: My body is not giant. It is about average for today's American woman, who we know is not svelte, but also not a complete cow. My calves are in proportion to my body. Therefore, I feel these flipping boots are not made for the average woman. In my opinion, these addlepated bootmakers are missing out on a significant opportunity to sell their crappy, overpriced boots to us normal-sized women, who I guarantee far outnumber the slim-shinned bunch.
So I decide I am going to try on every damn pair. And I did. And about half of them zipped. The uglier they were, the more likely they were to zip. Needless to say, I left empty handed, extremely disappointed and with an even worse body image than I had when I walked in the damn place. Who knew shoes could make me feel fat??? I thought shoe stores were a safe haven!!
Anyway apparently I need to embark on another ego-bruising boot hunt if I want to find boots I can wrap around my jiggling ham hocks.